Little Johnny
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny
on the plane when the stranger turned to
Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've
heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book,
closed it slowly, and said to the stranger,
"What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger.
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be
an interesting topic. But let me ask you
a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a
deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces
clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it
that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear
power when you don't know shit?"
* * * * *
Puzzle @ Hospital
There was this case in a hospital's Intensive Care ward
where patients always died in the same bed and on Friday
mornings regardless of their age, gender, medical history
or medical conditions.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it
had to do with the supernatural. Why the death at that
same bed on Fridays? So the doctors decide to go down to
that particular ward to investigate the cause of the incidents....
Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously
waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again.
The new unknowing patient laid there..... Some doctors
holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects
to ward off evils......... waiting.... the patient was resting still.
Then, 8am ...... 8:30am ........ Just before the 'cursed'
time...... the door to the ward swung open.....
Then Ah Soh, the part-time Friday cleaner, comes in and
unplugs the life support system so that she can use the
vacuum cleaner.
* * * * * *
The Church Organist
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed
him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have
a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister
noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was
filled with water, and in the water floated,of all things,
a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him
and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said,
"I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to
the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking
through the Park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on
the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread
of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
* * * * * *
and...some more on...Growing Old...
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class
for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy,
winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says,
"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor,
"you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why
I want it lowered!"
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts
of my body are just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your
coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
Famous saying:
A woman is as old as she looks
A man as old as he feels.